Sunday, April 11, 2010

Devil May Care

One of these days, I will be that girl. If only for a day, I want to know what it's like to be her, you know the one. The one who lets her hair blow in the breeze through open car windows even though it's going to mess up her hair; who dances in parking lots and twirls around and doesn't care what people think because she's cool like that; who wears super awesome outfits that no one would ever think of putting together but she does because she's just that effortlessly fashionable; who gives and loves with abandon and speaks her mind without fear of retaliation because she knows that those who love her will always love her, no matter how different she is.

This devil may care idea is one I have toyed with adopting since oh, forever. But I have never been one to follow through with grandiose persona changes (another post entirely), and on days like this where I am buoyed by a filmy, electric haze of energy, I see that girl in myself.

Why? I'm glad you asked. I think I have always been attracted to these people because they are the complete opposite of my loserbookwormalwayspickedlastforteamsportsinfifthgradeandbeyond self. I would always say I was comfortable that way, because it was easier than owning up to my social failings. Lately I have been thinking that now is the time to do this, to be that better version of myself that I know is deep deep deep down there somewhere, who is outgoing and strong and independent and beautiful and celebrated by all as the epitome of womanly.

Don't get me wrong, though. I am so loved by my someone that it makes me crazy, makes me ill with joy and sorrow and fear and lovelovelove. But I know I could be better, be stronger and braver and wiser. And if there were any time to attempt this Change For the Better, it is now.

Because apparently I am now a Big Girl with Big Girl Responsibilities. This must mean that the Big Girl that has been hiding, or hidden, frustrated with her vessel's lack of progress these last twenty-some years is going to have her time very soon. Her captor has given up on sucking at life, and there is no more room for excuses. It's going to happen. Big Girl Things. Promise.

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