Friday, October 29, 2010

Fruitful Friday

"You look like hell. You should get some rest."

That's all I ever get any more. Rest. Never ending rest.

Although not really, since when my body is still my mind is not. Lots of things jockey for elbow room in my head space these days, chief among them not having a job. Join the club, you're saying. Many of my recently-graduated peers are lingering on the threadbare line between joblessness and dead-end job-ness, be it in the food service or retail industries, or nannying or what have you. I am not knocking any of those jobs or anyone who is hustling and doing what they have to do to make ends meet. I'm just expressing disappointment in myself that I am not more who I thought I would be at this age. Perhaps it's another one of my delusions of grandeur, and Lord knows I am prone to them, but I thought I would be in grad school, or backpacking through Europe or Asia, "finding myself." The truth is, I seemed to have indeed found myself in this wasteland in Texas, languishing and withering away in housewifely duties.

There has ceased to be a beginning and end to my days. I sleep so often and do so little with my wakefulness that there seems to be little point in getting out of bed. And this is worse than boredom, you guys. This is a chronic fatigue of my whole being, making me stumble in a haze at the grocery store, unable to cut my food at dinner. The lack of anything stimulating my brain seems to have osmosed into the rest of my body, sending me caterwauling into Zombieland. If only Emma Stone and Woody Harrelson were there to keep my company. I need more than a job to keep me and my checking account occupied. I need a new and better perspective on my life, I have realized. I should at least try and go to bed at a decent hour, even if David has to get up 4:30 and puncture my fitful sleep for a few minutes; to make time to write more, since it really does help, after all it was/is my life's passion since I was 5 years old. I would welcome suggestions on how to crawl out of this little hole I have dug, but luckily (or unluckily, depending on how you look at it) not many people visit this little blog. So I will end by saying thank you, whoever you are out there in the ether of the interwebz, for listening.

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