Bionic

Since this blog is all about MEMEMESHAMELESSSELFINDULGENCESLASHPROMOTIONOFME, and since I am grossly insecure, I will now list and detail (for the purposes of fortifying them in my memory) all the plastic surgery procedures I will one day have. Perfection is attainable if only you try.

1. Rhinoplasty- A shaving down of the bridge of the nose to create a more streamlined affect that matches better with my face. My face is super uneven because of my nose.

2. Have fat taken out of my checks to make my face less fleshy plus cheekbone implants

3. Turkey waddle reduction- suck the fat out of the underside of my chin. duh.

4. I don't know if there is some sort of procedure where they can make your eyes bigger, but if so that is totes on the list. My eyes are disgustingly small. Maybe a brow lift would do the trick?

5. Breast reduction- Big boobs are the grossest.

6. Somehow have fat sucked out of my upper chest so my collar bone protrudes more. I would like my upper body to look like a big coat hanger, thank you

7. Heavy duty liposuction. Even though every girl uses this excuse it really is true that we hold weight in our midsections easier and consequently they are the hardest places to lose extra lbs and tone.

7a. All over stomach lipo, including my flanks and just under my boobs

7b. Back lipo

7c. Lipo of my thighs and calves, especially where the ricotta cheese demon known as cellulite resides

8. LOBOTOMY

Barf

Sitting in the GRK airport, I am acutely aware of the fact that I may or may not be about to heave my Monster M-80 all over myself. Any minute now, my grey luggage will be covered in a fizzy primrose barf ambrosia, I'm almost certain. It has been one of those mornings-well, days that has bled into a new morning, with nary a wink of sleep. My darling man and I parted ways today, he on his way to the Mojave for a month and I home to the east coast, so I was up all night packing and doing last-minute cleaning I swore I would do days ago. I cannot stand the thought of coming back to a grody apartment with eggs and sour cream and steak all becoming science experiments in the fridge, so I did a thorough sweep-through and made myself feel a little better. This trip was slightly unexpected for me. I had planned on staying behind and working, but all my most promising job prospects fell through, so once again disappointed and discouraged I hung my head and conceded that it was best not to be alone for so long with nothing to do and nowhere to go and no one to talk to.

I have been plagued with a chronic morning sickness since the first day of high school, when jitters got the best of me and I spent most of first period in the bathroom with my head out the window, desperate for a restorative breeze to cool my face and calm nerves. The Monster was a bad idea, but I'm drinking it because he bought it for me and was all sweet and cutesy like. He is on standby for his flight but had to be in early to wait around all day, so we said a rushed goodbye outside the airport and shared a brief but cozy embrace in the chilly morning air. We exchanged "I love you's" and last glances over shoulders and he made my heartbeat just a little faster (or was it that damn M-80 again?). I miss his little face already. I need to get on this plane and then the other plane and fall asleep and forget about feeling sick and tired and lonesome. No gagging just yet; I just need to sleep against something that smells like him and wait for this foolery to be over. It can't come soon enough. I'll be waiting.

Did I mention today is our anniversary?