I am writing this for the benefit of those ladies who were once where I used to be: lost in a fog of their own naivete and potential whoriness. My advice on relationships is sparse, seeing as how I've only been attached for a short while, but what I do know I feel compelled to share in the event that it prevents some poor drip from making the same mistakes I made. It's one thing to get advice on your skankery from Cosmo or Elle, which I love and am by no means hating on, but to hear it from someone like you who has been there is entirely different.
1. STOP BEING SO AVAILABLE.
This is essential. Thus it's the first point. If you spend every ten minutes texting, calling, or generally being up the rectum of your potential or current partner, you are going to annoy the hell out of him or her. Not only that, but eventually you get sick of each other and have nothing to talk about. Unless talking isn't what you're into in the first place...
2. HEY! WHORA INGALLS WILDER! KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS.
I know as well as anyone that in this day and age of rampant hobaggery, the goods are more valuable than ever. Besides the obvious risks of the herp et al and emotional nonsense that comes with being a grade A hooker, it makes you one of many. And that's never a good place to be. See below picture of my favorite trollop and recently ousted Danity Kane member, the classy and gorgeous Miss Aubrey O'Day.
3. FROM THE CHELSEA HANDBOOK: DO NOT CONTACT HIM FIRST.
It's all about the chase, kids. This is just common freaking sense to me, but apparently not to the ten million tricks who whine about why their potential butt buddy doesn't want to talk to them, AFTER they've spent their whole day textually stalking them. Men enjoy the chase. Seriously. And don't think for a second that playing coy will deter the man (or manwhore, as it were) who knows what he wants. Sluts are decisive!
Favorite Manwhore and dirty douchepickle
4. TEXTUAL INTERCOURSE.
DON'T DO IT. PERIOD. By this, I mean no sending pictures of your naked drunk ass, slutty texts, videos or anything to that end unless you want it to take a few laps around YouTube in the future when the receiver kicks you to the curb.
5. SUCK IT UP, NANCY! STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE.
This is not so obvious to most chicks, as we live in a bubble of false expectations and are treated like the glorious Georgia O'Keefe flowers that we are, but life is tough. Get a helmet. (I know I know the Boy Meets World reference has seen better days). Nevertheless, it is imperative that you stop taking the littlest things so seriously and reading into facial ticks and random hand gestures or whatever that mean little more than the fact that your man is fidgety or gassy or just a weirdo. I am incredibly guilty of this and have seen what comes of making it a habit. So for your own good, cut it out.
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